


He Could Never...

by xxMad_Donaxx



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-15 15:44:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for this prompt on the Kmeme:<br/>Don't care who, don't care how, but I'd love to see a fic from the POV of somebody who's madly, deeply in love with Anders, but is convinced that Anders doesn't and will never reciprocate. Up to the writer whether it is true or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Could Never...

She sat at her table flipping through a book she didn’t see. Merrill didn’t even see the shattered pieces of the Eluvian that had lain on the floor where they fell for the better part of a week now. Even though she stared directly at them she saw his angry eyes and heard his hurtful words. Perhaps she’d deserved them but they still hurt coming from him.

Hawke had told her that she could do whatever she wanted. She’d hidden herself away, trying to figure out what that was. The more she thought the deeper into despair she fell. Without her clan, without the mirror…he was all that was left. A secret she had managed to keep from everyone.

For years they had bickered. She thought him a hypocrite at first. All Fade spirits are dangerous. She knew and had tried to be careful but he lectured her constantly. Her feelings had been confusing at first. Angry because she had thought she knew better than him, she wasn’t the one possessed after all. But there had been something about just being near him that made her insides flutter. The flutter grew and changed slowly until she knew why she liked being near him despite his short temper with her.

He was handsome, there was no denying that. It wasn’t the fact that he was human that had stopped her from pursuing him. She had to fix the Eluvian, to preserve Dalish history and sacrifices had to be made. Besides, he wasn’t interested in silly little Merrill anyway. Then Hawke had broken his heart. She’d been furious with Hawke when she’d found out. It had been hard watching them flirt and dance around each other to start with. Merrill usually stuck it out though, seeing him smile had been worth it.

She didn’t understand how her fellow mage could throw away such a kind and compassionate man only to throw herself at Fenris. Merrill didn’t think they even liked each other. It had been wrong to be happy when he’d walked out but that hadn’t stopped her secret glee. Hawke was her friend, she should have at least tried to be sympathetic but she just couldn’t. She had had what Merrill wanted and had thrown him away.

Merrill had wanted to help him somehow but she had a knack for saying the wrong thing so she’d stayed silent. Time passed and it was still clear that he would never look at Merrill the way he’d looked at Hawke but there was still the mirror. Now she had nothing.

Perhaps a walk would help. She stood, unclear of where she could go…only knowing that staring at the broken Eluvian wasn’t helping. Merrill stepped out of her door, shutting it behind her and let her feet take her elsewhere. She didn’t pay attention to where she was, paying enough attention only to avoid people and obstacles. It was surprising when she suddenly collided with someone.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see…you.”

Somehow she’d ended up in Darktown and had run into him when he came around a corner. Merrill looked up at him from the ground and his cautious look made her heart fall further. His hand was still extended down to her however and she tentatively took it.

“What are you doing here?” Anders asked as he pulled her up.

“I just…needed to get out of the house,” she said quietly.

“This isn’t the safest place for a stroll,” he said distractedly. “Excuse me.”

Anders brushed past her, looking determined but grim. Merrill turned and watched him walk away before hurrying after. She had done nothing before and didn’t think there was a way he could possibly make her feel worse. “Anders wait!” she called after him.

“Go home Merrill,” he said not stopping or slowing down.

She followed him down a set of stairs and said, “Maybe I can help.”

He turned abruptly at the bottom of the stairs and she stopped just short of running into him again. “Like you helped your clan?” Anders asked angrily. “No thanks.”

“I broke it,” Merrill said determined to do something right. “I’ll never use blood magic again. I…can’t stop thinking about what you said.”

Anders looked surprised for a moment then confused and hurt. “She wouldn’t help me…” he said almost to himself. “Have to…” The determined look came back as he looked up at her and asked, “Do you mean it?”

“I’ve lost everything. I thought…no…it doesn’t matter now. Yes. I mean it,” she said feeling unsure at first but gaining confidence. “I don’t know how to make up for my mistakes…but I’d like to try.”

His pained expression was confusing as were his words. “I wish there were another way…” Anders looked torn for a moment and the determination surfaced again. “But there isn’t. If you truly want to help then follow me.”

Anders turned and she followed behind him. Down into the sewers they went and she helped him collect a foul smelling substance. Before they parted, he asked for her help collecting another ingredient. He wouldn’t say what it was for and she only asked once. Merrill agreed to help, happy that he’d even asked.

The trip to the Bone Pit was tough with just the two of them. It had been tempting to use the power that flowed in her veins but she resisted. At the end of the day, when they’d collected enough of the drakestone and they stood outside her door his crooked smile was worth the effort. He was sad though, as he said his thanks.

The next time she saw him a few days later she understood his sadness. She watched the events unfold with a detached horror. Hawke promising to aid the mages, helping defeat the Templars while Meredith fled and then watching him sitting on the crate. The sky was tinted pink and smoke began rising from Hightown and Lowtown but he sat rocking slightly waiting for Hawke to decide his fate. He was sad but confident, positive that it had to be done…willing to pay the ultimate price.

She had been willing to pay that same price but the Keeper had died in her stead. Was his cause worth this destruction that she’d helped create?

“Dear Creators no!” she exclaimed. Her feet carried her forward quickly, past the others and slid to a stop behind him. Merrill gripped Hawke’s arm, both of them shaking one in horror and the other in agony as they both stared at the dagger imbedded in her abdomen. “You…can’t…” Merrill managed before her strength failed her. Strong arms from behind her, lowering her and Hawke shifted out of her vision.

“Damn it Merrill,” Anders muttered angrily.

In his arms at last, she thought seconds before the dagger was yanked out. She gasped as his healing washed through her and she watched him closely. Intense concentration followed by relief and then irritation.

“What were you thinking?” he asked softly.

“I understand now,” she whispered. “Why the Keeper…saved me.”

“I’m glad you haven’t used any blood magic lately,” he said pulling her close for a moment. “You might have shared her fate.”

**Author's Note:**

> It is my headcanon that Hawke is male. I used a female Hawke here because I didn't want Hawke's gender to be an issue for Merrill. I wanted Merrill to make the assumption based solely on his words and actions.


End file.
